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I’m Hiding. In Case You’re Trying to Kill Me.

storytelling

Angie and Amanda came up for the weekend.  Pictures and tomfoolery and such to come at another time.  This post is devoted to the scariest moment of this weekend.

The three of us left the house to shop.  Locked the door, shut it, hopped in the car and drove off.  A few hours later I pull into my driveway.

“Why is my front door open?”  We stare.  No cars in the driveway.  Jack is gone for the weekend.  The girls are out with Lola.  Why is the front door open?  The door stands ajar.

We remember locking it.  And as I try to come up with reasonable scenarios in my mind…

a cat comes walking out of my house.

A CAT.  Many of you know my utter disdain for cats.

The three of us collectively gasped, and, as Angie pointed out…

So, at this point, my even-keeled self is properly freaking out.  We locked the door, and the door is open.  I don’t own a cat, but a cat I don’t recognize just slinked out of my house.  What… the… junk.

“Do I call the police?”

Thankfully, just as I turned my head, I saw my neighbors across the street pull up.  Fantastic family.  I ran over to them, and apparently I looked panicked, because they asked what’s wrong.  I explain, and the man of the house marches right over, swings the door open and heads inside.  Angie and I sheepishly follow while Amanda starts Tweeting out her will and last testament to her devoted Twitter fans.

No one’s inside.  Neighbor checks the shower in the bathroom, which I am so grateful for, because not everyone is thorough enough to check the shower for killers.  He says it’s all clear, and I try to piece together what happened.

There’s a package I’ve been waiting for my front porch.  So.. maybe.. we locked the front door, shut it, but it didn’t latch properly.  The mailman knocks on the door, drops the package on my front porch, and leaves.  The door opens and some stray must have made his (or her) way in.

I panic again when I think that this cat may have gone to the bathroom somewhere in my home, and I am grateful that all of the bedroom doors were shut, which eliminated the “a cat hung out on our beds” fear.

Angie has a startling thought.  “THANK GOD that cat came out.  Can you imagine if you walked in your house and suddenly you notice a cat walking around?”

My heart stops just thinking about it.  Seriously, if that happened, I probably would have gone into labor on the spot.

Poor Amanda and Angie.  I was SO rattled by unwelcome wildlife (OR MAYBE SCARY HUMANS HIDING IN MY BASEMENT) being in my house I could not relax.  I emotionally ate carrots and hummus and paced back and forth and generally looked like I needed to be medicated.  I was – how do you say? – on edge.

Amanda graciously followed me into my embarrassingly Hoarders-esque basement to make sure there weren’t any psychopaths hanging out down there.  I had a hacksaw in my hand and Amanda was armed with a hammer and an inverted lollipop.  No psychopaths.  Phew.

Later that night, some friends met us for dinner, and my friend Lindsey leans over and goes, “What if that cat had kittens in your basement?”

as;ldkgjalsdgasg!!!

Lindsey bursts into hysterical laughter at my angry face and, no, I did not sleep well that night.

Thanks, Lindsey.  Thanks, Cat.

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59 Comments

  • Reply Chelle February 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I just watched the vlog about why you wouldn’t want my cat hanging out on your lap but you would still come over and drink yoohoos with me.

    I would have to nail my cat to the floor to keep him off your lap. He loves everyone equally and especially people who don’t like cats. So, he would have to go to the basement or something.

    Are you cool with golden retrievers who weigh 85 pounds and think they are lap dogs though? Cause my Jack would LOVE you!

    (P.S. Glad there weren’t any scary people in your house. I think the logical explanation is the door didn’t latch and the mailman pushed it open when he knocked. Makes perfect sense.)

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:57 am

      Right. That’s the theory I’m going with or I will never sleep again.

  • Reply Jude February 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

    O.M.G. !!!!!!!!!!

    I die for you. When we bought our house over here in West Haven, our little bathroom reno turned into a full-house renovation (floors, walls, gutted the basement)because the previous owners had let their cats use the empty house as a litter box for about two weeks.

    I. HATE. CATS.

    My poor 5 year old keeps begging for one as a pet but I’m playing the “mommy’s allergic” card until I can explain what those mongrels did to this place to her!

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:56 am

      Puuuuuuke.

      When I was growing up, my dad tore down our above ground pool and we didn’t dig up the sand and replace it with soil/seed right away. Huge litter box in our back yard. So gross.

  • Reply Jennifer February 13, 2012 at 10:07 am

    My mother has this same cat fear. I’m not sure she could have slept in her house after that.

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:55 am

      Jack’s lucky I didn’t sell the house.

  • Reply Ruth S February 13, 2012 at 10:12 am

    hahahahahahahaha!

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:54 am

      o.O

  • Reply Brandi G. February 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

    So… I have a cat. His name is Peaches (we were told he was a she. Never take someone’s word on that matter). Peaches plays fetch, lays around the house, and goes to the door when he needs to go to the bathroom so he can be let out (read: no litter box!). I love him, and he’s great with my 19 month old who feels the need to use him as a seat cushion and pillow.

    However…he has a terrible, terrible habit. One that makes my heart jump and has nearly driven me to tears when I was on edge and alone because Chris was on patrol.

    I think it’s imperative I send you a picture of this habit.

    Stand by.

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:54 am

      I got your email. That picture is terrifying. Peaches is a serial killer.

      • Reply Dawn February 14, 2012 at 2:40 pm

        I want to know what this habit is!!!

  • Reply Mandy February 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I think the main thing I pulled from this story is that you emotionally eat carrots. I wish!

    P.S. Once when house sitting when I was younger, I locked up the house to leave, made sure the cat was inside and left. Hours later I pulled up to the cat sitting on the porch wanting in. I frantically searched through the house thinking I locked a wild cat inside. Found out later there was a doggie door that the cat also used…

    • Reply Kadie February 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

      HAHA that’s what I was thinking. I was like, “I’d be shoving cookies in my mouth…how do I acquire a carrot stress habit?”

      • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:52 am

        It was a fluke!

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:52 am

      Bahahaha. I promise I usually don’t. I pulled out carrots and hummus under the guise of feeding my friends (one who likes to run seven miles at a clip). If there were cookies, it would have been cookies. ;)

  • Reply Karla T February 13, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Um, so was anything stolen? I’m confused. Did you call the police?

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:52 am

      We didn’t call the police. Nothing was stolen. I’m just assuming that the door didn’t latch properly and a cat found its way inside. :/

  • Reply ter@waaoms February 13, 2012 at 10:46 am

    I don’t have a fear of cats but I would also find that very creepy. especially since I have a dog. lol ;)

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 10:53 am

      Haha. :)

  • Reply Missy February 13, 2012 at 11:51 am

    My first thought was the same as Angie – THANK GOD it came out! What if you got all cozy in bed (sans Jack to save you) and had that sweet little demon kitty come lay on your face and try to suffocate you in the middle of the night. So the big question is… was the door still locked, just not closed? If not, I’m pretty sure that cat broke into your house – brings a whole new meaning to ‘cat burglar’.

    • Reply Roo February 14, 2012 at 6:41 am

      It was locked, just not closed. Demon kitty on my FACE? Missyyyyyyyyyyy!

  • Reply Erma February 13, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    I would’ve made a citizen’s arrest on that cat. Did you check everything in your fridge was still there?

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 9:14 pm

      That would require approaching the cat instead of running away, bursting into hysterical sobs. Right? I’m just wondering.

  • Reply Sheila February 13, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Many years ago, shortly after my mother passed away, some of my siblings and I were at her very large, old, remote house with creaky floors and unlit corners, when we saw a cat crawl out from under a grate outside. Not just any old cat. A BLACK CAT. My mother did not own a cat; in fact, she loathed cats. Needless to say, we all got an instant case of the heebie-jeebies. To divert our collective over-active minds, we made nervous jokes about how ironic it would be if she had come back as a cat. It didn’t divert me enough. I am still creeped out to this day. I feel for you.

    • Reply Roo February 14, 2012 at 6:41 am

      Oooh wow. Total heebie-jeebies.

  • Reply Juliana February 13, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    So I completely understand your fear here because I would freak the freak out if I was in this same scenario. I too hate cats oh and of course the thought of serial killers in my house (but probably cats more).

    My aunt’s cats actually do steal stuff from around her house and from in your purse if you happen to be there (which I never am because not only do they scare the bejesus out of me, I am also deathly allergic). They stole my uncle’s wallet and when she found where they were hiding stuff, she found random things that belonged to people who where recently there. They have a huge problem and are now banned from roaming the house when company is over.

    • Reply Roo February 14, 2012 at 6:42 am

      Freaking kitty kleptomaniacs.

  • Reply Kelly February 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    All I can envision is cat imitating that freaky cat at the end of that demon movie with John Goodman and Denzel Washington slinking out with “Time is on my side” by the Stones playing in the background…might be a carrier for a demon spirit….

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 9:15 pm

      I don’t know to which movie you’re referring, but I find this frightening nonetheless. :)

  • Reply MichelleLG February 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    dude. i would freak too (and also say a bad word and have to publicly apologize to my mamma). that is some heavy business.

    last fall i has just arrived home from grocery shopping, and was in the process of bringing in the groceries when the turn-the-knob kitchen timer on my fridge went off.
    i hadn’t been home in hours … so who could have sent the timer…? FREAKED ME OUT!

    i ran outside, sat in my car (doors locked) and called my hubs at work, just to let him know that there was a serial robber/ rapist/ cookie baker (what the heck was up with the TIMER?) at large in our house and i was scared for my life.

    when i finally did go back in the house, i investigated every possible bad-guy-hiding-spot, armed with my great grandma’s cast iron frying pan (no lie, that was the only weapon like thing i could find)then sat on the couch in the corner of the living room till my guy got home.

    phew. so weird. glad we both survived roo!

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 9:16 pm

      Michelle, we are lucky to be alive.

      And special thanks to Angie for blowing up my bad-word-spot. :)

  • Reply dumb mom February 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    First, you don’t have a hoarders-esque basement. You have a well-equipped-for-jackhammering-bad-guys-and-creepy-cats basement. There were just plenty of things-to-be-used-as-weapons laying around. No big deal. Second, your house is haunted anyway. The door kept opening by itself. I’m not sure how you live there cats or no. Third, Lola is adorable. And finally, thanks for letting me come to your house and putting me to work moving that big, heavy couch of yours. Hope that the low slungness of my skinny jeans didn’t expose my butt crack so much that you can’t look me in the eyes in the future. I swear I’ll wear a cat suit next time I come. Pun intended. Totally.:)

    • Reply Roo February 14, 2012 at 6:42 am

      You’re too nice. I’m surprised you didn’t call the authorities after seeing my basement.

      And thanks for your muscles. And for putting up with me for an entire day.

      No cat suit. NONE.

  • Reply Shelby February 13, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    You’re gonna think i’m a freak but I would’ve been so excited to find a cat in my house!
    (crazy cat lady)

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm

      …….

      freak.

      • Reply Shelby February 13, 2012 at 11:12 pm

        you like it.

        ;)

        • Reply Roo February 14, 2012 at 6:49 am

          MAYBE.

  • Reply Christine February 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    You poor girl…none of you will ever forget that story–it’s a keeper… plus, you will probably be friends for life because of the events of that evening ;)

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm

      If I can ever get out of therapy. ;)

  • Reply Shannon February 13, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    This is hilarious and crazy! This sooooo happened to me and my husband once. Except minus the cat part. WE returned home from somewhere (i can’t recall all the details at the moment and will ask him right when he crosses the threshold tonight) and our front door was WIDE OPEN!!! No screen door. Just open to the world. It was a really really weird and creepy feeling! My husband looked for robbers and ghosts and all kinds of crazy but found nothing. All our valuables were in place-HAAAA-just kidding, we don’t own valuables. But really, it was ridic! Glad we aren’t the only ones! Love it!

    • Reply Roo February 13, 2012 at 9:11 pm

      Ahahaha, that made me laugh, Shannon. Right, valuables. My television set from circa 1996 stayed behind. :)

  • Reply Shannon February 13, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    but wait, i do have an unrelated cat story…..so one time, my in-laws, before they were my in-laws were visiting us for the weekend. they left on sunday to go back home via a 4 hour car ride. with a sweet mini van mind you. when they returned to their home, many hundreds of miles later, they discovered a cat who had “hitched a ride” from our town to theirs. the poor blasted things’s paw pads were slightly burned from holding on so tightly underneath!!! long story short, they never found the owner, and the car-jacking cat now known as “Gulliver” now lives in a great guest bedroom in their workshop. Seriously, that cat even has it’s own TV. my guess is, he could sense that Derrick’s mom is a total cat lover/animal rescuing phenom and couldn’t pass up a good opportunity. :) so it’s sortof off topic but funny nonetheless.

    • Reply Roo February 14, 2012 at 6:49 am

      The MacGyver of cats!

  • Reply Laura February 14, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    CREEEEEEEEEEEEPY!!!! I’ve had something of the sort happen- our door was open in the summer evening so that we could cool off the house, but we forgot to shut the screen door and our neighbor’s cat just swaggers in. I started to chase it out, but then it went into one of the bedrooms and hid under the bed. But then he went away, thank goodness.

  • Reply Chelle February 15, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hey again, Roo. Just wanted to let you know I nominated you for a “Liebster Award.” I suspect you have way more than 200 followers, but since it doesn’t say, I wanted to throw it your way. I enjoy your blog immensely and thought it deserved an award (although you may have a bunch sitting on your mantle already).

    Hope no other monster cats have wandered into your house, although I suspect you have been deadbolting the door and hiding behind it with a bat just in case.

    Chelle

  • Reply I Might Be Spiderman | {NiceGirlNotes} | {NiceGirlNotes} February 15, 2012 at 5:12 pm

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  • Reply Lindsey Mattei February 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    WAIT, what is that I hear coming from your basement??? “Mew Mew Mewwww” Little squeaky kitten noises!!!!

    • Reply Roo May 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

      Hate.

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  • Reply Mindy M. May 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Just found your blog from YoungHouseLove.com & have been hopping around reading some of your older posts. I just have to say that this one had me cry-laughing (on my lunch break at work – who needs to eat when you can do a little blog-surfing) so hard that I almost had to get up & close my door to avoid weird stares from people in the hallway.

    • Reply Roo May 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

      Ahahahahaaa let them stare, Mindy! Thanks for heading my way. YHL is great. Any friend of theirs is a friend of mine. ;)

  • Reply Mindy M. May 19, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    :)

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    I remember a long time ago (had to be kindergarten or younger) I was at a babysitter’s house watching some Big Comfy Couch when all of the sudden a SQUIRREL comes running in the room with my babysitter waving a broom around at it!! She chased that thing all around the house and even called the cops to come and get the squirrel out. It eventually ran back out and the cops had a good laugh at my babysitter.

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